upgrades & downgrades

I have had some changes as of late in my pregnancy and life in general. Some have been upgrades (positive changes) and some have been downgrades (negative).

upgrade: today was the first Monday I have NOT had a horrible headache!
downgrade: in exchange for not having a headache, I ended up staying at work until almost 6pm because it's been the first day I've felt good enough to stay after school and try to get caught up on my grading. That was tiring!
upgrade: I have been feeling Brooklyn move a lot more! I haven't been able to distinguish between kicks and punches and her just rolling over yet. It feels more like she's just changing positions and moving from one side to the other, but either way, it's SO cool!
downgrade: meat has been sounding less and less appealing to me lately. I know I need my protein but I simply do not want to eat meat of any kind.
upgrade: I got a Boppy body pillow. It's amazing. I've been able to sleep through the night without taking the sleeping pills for the past 4 nights!
downgrade: that wonderful pillow cost $50. I'm sure I could have found it somewhere other than Target for cheaper, but I was desperate for something to help with the sleep so I just bought it.
upgrade: along with sleeping better, I've had fewer trips to the bathroom in the middle of the night. In fact, last night, I didn't get up once! I went this morning when I got up for work for the first time all night!! (makes me think of little kids making it through the night without pottying in their pants! lol)
downgrade: even with me cutting some things out of my life temporarily, my life seems to be getting busier and busier and I have had less and less free time. Last week was the busiest week I've had in a very long time. There wasn't one night that I was able to just go home and sit and relax and go to bed when I should have. I was out doing things I had to get done and most nights out well past my bedtime (which has been 9-9:30 pm lately).
upgrade: I caught an AMAZING sale at JC Penny's yesterday where I found some super cheap maternity clothes. For example: maternity jeans - $4.97, cute maternity top - $1.97 . When all was said and done, I got 5 articles of clothing (all maternity clothes that I can wear to work) for $23, and that was including tax!
downgrade: my apartment is a complete disaster. It's embarassing, even for me. Right now there is an unidentified bad smell of which I cannot seem to locate the source. It's driving me crazy and it's nasty. I can't even believe I'm admiting it on here...

I think that all I will write about that for now. You get the picture though. I honestly do feel though that the more I try to cut out of my life so that I can simplify and keep my sanity, the busier I feel and the more things I find that I have to do and aren't an option anymore. One thing I am doing this week that I want to do and have been really waiting for a free saturday for is going over to visit Renay and her new little girl Claire. Renay had Claire at the very end of December and I was there at the hospital and got to visit with Renay afterwards and see Claire from the nursery window but I never go to see her up close and hold her. Now she's well over a month old and it looks like I'm finally going to get to go over there Saturday and see her! I'm really excited! This gets me so pumped up for having my baby girl. :)

I've also been struggling a bit with my job. As a teacher, you can't just go to work having a bad day and hide at your desk and just do your work and get through the day without really having to interact with people. I have to be "on" everyday, 6 periods a day. I'm finding that harder and harder to do. My energy level, especially emotional which is what drains me the most in this job, is dwindeling away to nothing right now. To make matters worse, there's a heavy dose of apathy going around amongst the students right now and it's really starting frustrate me. It was on my mind all weekend after having graded a particularly bad batch of quizzes. I vented with Waylon about how difficult this was for me and what I could do to get them to get out of the apathy pit. I prayed about it and asked God to give me back the energy and care and desire I started the year with so that I could go back in today and try to get them motivated and wanting to do better. I felt a lot better going into work this morning having done that and then I just made myself have a "talk" with every single class period about their grades and the lack of effort I was seeing. I tried not to be "nasty" about it or come across as "yelling" at them because I know that sometimes that just makes matters worse. I was very pointed and honest with them though. It felt good to get it off my chest and to see that they were listening (at least they seemed to be) and some were even nodding their heads and agreeing with me. I told them I was going to start doing some things differently to see if a different approach on my part would make a difference but that they would also have to change their approach as students and start putting in more effort and study time outside of class. I sure hope this talk helps. I can't do this too often, it drains me. I was glad when the day was over. I felt better and I know at least a handful of kids from each class walked out with a little more determination to do better. If just a few from each class start doing better, it will be a good step forward. Teaching is exhausting!!
sorry I went on so much about it....

As far as my personal life goes, I myself am feeling quite a bit of apathy in several areas. The first and most obvious area would be the upkeeping of my home. Our apartment (as aforementioned in my downgrades) is an absolute MESS. I'm not talking about a few things strewn about here and there. I'm talking masses of "stuff" that has no place just thrown everywhere. I still have a stack of clothes in my office from when I unpacked from one of my trips in January in there!! We have our old, non-working TV just sitting in the middle of the office, waiting to have something done with it. There are dirty dishes in the sink and our kitchen table is covered with mail and random stuff that needs to be put away. Our living room is completely disorganized. It's just depressing being here. I won't even get into the details of how messy my bedroom is. There are still piles of clothes laying around that I need to smell my way through to know whether or not they are clean or dirty! ugh!!! Another area I've had no motivation in is getting back into working out. I know that while you're pregnant you're not supposed to work out to lose weight or do anything too strenuous (not that THAT would ever be something I would have to worry about!) but, I do know that it would help me feel better if I did at least 30 minutes of aerobic activity 3 or 4 times a week. we have a workout center here at my apartment but I just don't go. I get home and think about it and then decide to take advantage of the little free time I have by resting and relaxing at home. I really need to step up and do some exercise. I may have to start with small goals like working out twice this week. Then next week bump it up to working out three times for 2 weeks in a row or something. Maybe if I give myself a reward for doing that I'll be more motivated. lol.

Next week I have my first dentist appointment with my new dentist. I haven't been to see a dentist in a while so I'm not looking forward to this. The longer you wait, the more painful a cleaning is. I think this appointment will be more to determine whether or not I have TMJ and if that's affecting my headaches any. The week after that I will already be going to my next OB visit! Time is flying by! At that point I'll already be 5 months pregnant!! I can't believe it! being here at this point seemed so far away to me when I first found out I was pregnant. I remember thinking how far away completing my 1st trimester seemed to me at 5 weeks when I first found out. Now I'm at 19 weeks already, almost halfway! I get more and more excited with each passing day.

I'm going to go ahead and stop here before I write an entire novel's worth in one blog entry. The whole time I've been sitting here typing this, Brooklyn has been tossing and turning and I've been enjoying feeling all the movement. She definitely gets more active when I'm sitting and being still. I think the computer was pushing into my stomach earlier and she was pushing against it in an effort to let me know she did not appreciate it. lol

My next blog probably won't be for a few more days since this one was so long. Hopefully I won't wait for more than a week though. :)

Steph