Tuesday, November 17, 2009

This is going to be a pretty random post, so just prepare yourself to hear a lot of different stuff.

Ok....we'll start with the baby stuff:

Brooklyn turned 4 months on Sunday and had her 4 month appointment today. She is doing great! Growing like a weed! She weighed in at 15lbs 10ozs and is 25 3/4 inches long. She is in the 90th percentile for height and weight! I have a big girl! She's doing lots of cute new things. For one, she has finally mastered her laugh! It's adorable! Tonight I kept kissing her neck and she would laugh out loud every time. I loved it, I couldn't stop kissing her. She is also grabbing at things a lot now. If she sees something, she goes for it. She also looks at her hands a lot, which is really cute. She continues to love watching TV and is sitting assisted very well. When I lay her on her belly, she does really well pushing her chest up. She has also started trying to hold her bottle when she is taking it. It's so cute! She always has at least one hand on it and sometimes both. This little girl has a super strong grip too! Wow. She is just amazing!


Lately, my life has been in a bit of disarray. It's as if the harder I try to live more simply and more organized, the worse it gets. I pay a big batch of bills, only to get another stack in the mail the next day that I can't pay. I wash a load of dishes and in an hour, the sink is full again with dishes we found laying around the house. I get all my laundry sorted and washed but then don't have the energy to fold and put it all away so it clutters up my room and eventually I'm just pulling out what I need to wear from the basket each day and hoping that "Wrinkle Release" will get enough of the wrinkles out for me to be able to wear it to work. It just feels like a never ending battle and that life is beating me to a pulp sometimes. Then I see how much I DO have and how much I AM blessed and feel bad for complaining, only to get re-frustrated when I start thinking of everything that has gone wrong lately. Some days it's just hard to be thankful and the bad attitude and negative mindset take over. I hate these times in my life when I get that way. And what's worse is when you're in that mindset, you don't want to go to the Lord and ask for help to get out of it. You want to just sit in your muddy little hole and complain and live in a pity party. That's where I'm at right now. My little muddy pity party. 

My dad preached a great sermon on Sunday about jealousy. The kind of jealousy where you are so envious of what someone else has that you resent them for having it.  You aren't happy for their blessing, you are ticked at them and want them to not have and for you to have it instead. I have felt the beginnings of this kind of jealousy lately -- not yet full blown yet -- towards stay at home moms. I envy their ability to wake up and not have to leave their child every day to go off to work and take care of everyone else's kids. Now, like I said, I'm not to the point where I'm resentful of them for being blessed in this way. Right now, it just rests at being jealous. Wishing I was in their shoes. Wanting that so badly for myself. But as my dad pointed out Sunday, God has different paths and different blessings for all our lives. He blesses us all in different ways. Right now, staying at home is not how he is blessing our family. He is blessing us by providing me with a very stable, well-paying job that can support our family. He has blessed us with a beautiful daughter that I can't imagine living without. He has blessed us with a decent-paying, flexible job for Waylon that works with his school schedule. He has blessed us with the perfect house to live in to fit our needs. He has blessed us with each other (Waylon & I). He has blessed us with great family and awesome support. My parents have been here for us so much through my pregnancy and now with the baby. He has blessed us indeed. 

But the grass is always greener. We aren't satisfied with our own blessings. We want someone else's blessing. And this is where the bitter root of jealousy springs up in our hearts and takes over. I do not want to be that bitter, jealous person who misses out on enjoying their own life because they were too busy envying someone else's life. No. That's not what I will choose to do. Because it is a choice. No matter what anyone tells you. You choose to live in envy. I chose the life I'm living right now. I have to remind myself of this when I start feeling sorry for myself. I chose to get married before Waylon graduated college, knowing that this meant I would be the main financial supporter while he finished his degree. Then we decided to start trying to conceive. Again, I did this knowing that, at that point in time, Waylon was still a good two years away from getting his degree and that I would have to work at least another school year after the baby was born, if not more. I knew all of this. I chose this life. And then I complained about it. God must be looking down at me and just shaking his head at me. 

So why am I typing all this and making it so public?? Good question! My sister recently posted about being more authentic. You can read this on her blog at www.simplymelsblog.com/life-words/. It's a great post about what her life words are - what words she wants her life to be described with - and how she wants to be more authentic. I would like to strive to be more authentic myself. I have not chosen my life words yet, but I'm pretty positive that authentic would be one I would definitely have in there. Thanks sis! I'm putting my heart out on my sleeve right now. I'm letting my flaw (that's right, just one!) be known! I want to be a good mother to my daughter and future other kids. I want them to grow up seeing that their mother is honest and open and striving to do the right thing but able to admit when she's not. If you know me well at all, you know that admitting when I'm wrong is NOT one of my strengths. It's something I need a lot of work on. Just ask my husband. He'll tell you. I'm not the perfect person I would like everyone to think I am. ahem...

So there are definitely some things I'm going to be working on in my own heart. This Thanksgiving, I'm going to strive to put the "greener grass" out of my mind and focus on my own green grass that someone else might be looking at and wishing they had. 


We continue on our quest for getting on a budget. We put ourselves on it last month and made the envelopes and everything, but somewhere we miscalculated and ended up in the negatives. Yikes! So now we are patiently, yes, very patiently, awaiting Friday - payday - to get out of the negatives. This hasn't happened in a very long time and it's frustrating when it does, especially when it was the one month we have made a budget and almost stuck to it all month! That's a huge accomplishment for us! Thankfully, Waylon has gotten some subbing work at my school district which will basically cancel out the over drafting. We will sit down and re-do the budget and tweak what needs tweaking and try again this month. While going into the negatives is never a good thing, I know that creating a budget and living by it is a skill and a process that will take a few months to really get down. It's a whole lifestyle change which we haven't gotten down yet...obviously. 


Last week, on Tuesday, November 10th, one of my best friends, Stefanie McNeely gave birth to her first son, Caleb Ethan McNeely. He weighed 7 lbs 4 ozs and came by c-section after she was induced and never dilated past a 3 after 12 hours. He was a perfectly cute little man and I got to hold him and cuddle him Thursday night. After having my little chunk, Caleb felt like nothing in my arms! I saw what it felt like to hold a normal sized newborn! He's a handsome little guy and we can't wait to have play dates with him and Brooklyn. We were hoping for an arranged marriage, however, it looks like she might be quite a bit bigger than him. Of course, he can grow and be taller than her but she doesn't seem like she will ever be dainty or small so it's going to take a pretty big guy to handle her... We shall see! Congratulations Stefanie and Jared!! Caleb Ethan is perfect!


Lastly, I have agreed to be a part of our schools teacher pageant that the TAFE group hosts every year. It's a time for teachers to get on stage and "perform" a talent. It's meant to be humorous and just for fun. We also have to dress up and answer a question - just like at real pageants. I was going to be a part of it last year but then found out I was pregnant and was sick all the time and just couldn't see myself being able to put in the time for it. Plus, I was doing cheer leading and we had a game to be at the night of the pageant. This year, there's nothing holding me back. I'm gong to do something with the piano. I haven't completely decided yet but Waylon has a good idea and my brother gave me a good idea. Whatever I choose to do, I'll make sure to have someone from my family video tape it and you will get to watch it on here. It's January 7th...so I have quite some time to prepare it! I'm not nervous yet, but I will be I'm sure. 

So there is my post of random thoughts. It's long and picture-less but I do most of my picture posting on Facebook because blogger just isn't very user-friendly for posting pictures. It takes such a long time to do it and then getting it all centered and typing captions just becomes a big pain in the rear...


Aileen said...

I'm sorry you feel so bad most of the time because of your job and financial issues! It's going to get better in time and hopefully sooner than later. These things take time. We are more than happy to take care of Brooklyn as you know....It's been wonderful having a grandbaby close by and being a part of her life.

Melissa@Simply Mel said...

Great post! Thanks for the shout out again. I think it's great that you got it all out there and that you are taking on the responsibility for your feelings and your life instead of blaming other people. Many people never get past that point. It's always unfair and someone else's fault. Kudos.
I remember how resentful I was about having to work after I had Katelyn. Then I realized if I had to work it was the best spot to be in since I got to take her to work with me and keep an eye on her all day. She also loved it there so that made me feel better. It was free and I had good hrs. So, I realized that it wouldn't be forever (hopefully!) and that may be how our life was going to be for awhile. It's great that you have mom and dad to watch her. It's the next best thing! But, I understand how frustrating and hopeless your situation would feel at times.
I think you should be proud of the work that you put into your budget. Although you were in the negatives you're still proactively doing something about it. Mike and I have saved some money up for Christmas this year so we're paying in cash for everything. And we're not going over that amount. We feel kinda good about it although we won't be going as crazy as we usually do for everyone's gifts.
As for the house stuff...it's one step at a time. Trial and error. Finding out quick and easy things to do to keep things running smoothly. I still don't have full control of my house! I'm still learning and trying to figure out a schedule.
Keep working at it! I know you'll figure something out.

Lydia said...

Good luck at the pageant! That sounds like fun! And also good luck with the budget! Hopefully this month will be better for you. :) Budgeting around Christmas is really hard. The house stuff is a constant battle for me too. There are some weeks that absolutely nothing gets done beyond the essential dishes for bottle purposes and laundry.
I agree with what Melissa said. Having to go back to work after Garrett was born was really hard! But I knew it wasn't possible for me to stay at home at that point. To be honest, he was a great baby as far as being independent about playing and I know that's solely because of daycare. Cooper is nothing like that. And there are days when I think "I just want to put them in daycare and go back to work" because I feel like I'm slowly going insane. lol The positive is that you're a teacher and have much better hours than the women working in an office who can't pick up their baby until 6:30 in the evening and have to drop them off at 6:30 in the morning to make it to work on time. I've always felt bad for the moms Keith works with because of those hours. I know you're looking forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas breaks to spend time at home!