Who I WANT to be and what this year might bring. A rambling post.

The internet has really changed a lot of things in our lives these days. One of those is the ability for us to take peeks into other people's lives via social networking and blogs. I'll admit that I'm addicted to both, although you might not think so if you read my blog and see how sporadically I post as of late. But yes, I'm addicted to blogs, or I should say, reading OTHER people's blogs. Namely, mommy bloggers who have it all "together" - or so it seems compared to my life.

I read their blogs and see all the things they accomplish and how clean their houses are and all the great things they do with their kids and the fact that they still have time to blog and look great! It's really something that I get jealous of...which I hate to admit! I don't like admitting to being envious of other mom's lives. I feel like if I do, it means I'm not happy with my life and that I'm ungrateful for all the great things God has blessed me with. And yet, I struggle with the green-eyed monster. I struggle with negative feelings towards those who are doing what I wish I could be doing - not working full-time and getting to be home more with my daughter (soon to be daughters). I'm happy here. I have no desire to move anywhere else. I can see us building a life for ourselves here and that gives me the warm fuzzies.

But.

I find myself at a cross roads. What AM I meant to do? I struggle with the desire to be a stay-at-home-mom and worry if that's really what is best for me and our family. Sure, there is the financial side to worry about but I have complete faith in God that if He does have planned for me to be a SAHM, He will provide a job for Waylon that will meet our needs (along with us being willing to sacrifice and be better stewards of our money). But I also wonder if staying at home with my kids will be something that I am able to do. I see the moms on the blogs I read who seem to run a household so easily and make it look fun. Yet, when I try to run my household (during long breaks or, during our 4 day snow-pocalypse break from work) I find it hard and frustrating and that it does not come naturally to me. I'm not a naturally organized person. I have a cluttered, messy home. I don't keep to schedules or routines well (unless it's a work routine). If I know I'm going to be home all day, I have no desire to put presentable clothes on, comb my hair, brush my teeth or wear an ounce of makeup. So does this mean I will be a failure if/when I get to be a stay at home mom?

I also struggle with the desire to find a new and interesting job/career and go back to school to take more classes. If you looked at my college record, you would see that I have had 6 majors and I graduated with 208 college credits - needing only 128 for my degree. I'm easily swayed into new fields of study and new career opportunities. My job history will also show you an array of different interests in jobs. Most of which I really enjoyed and was really good at! I always strived to become the best at whatever I was doing and could usually reach that goal and be amongst the top workers wherever I was working at the time. I took pride in that. Teaching is a whole different type of job though. There is no "ladder of success" to climb. All teachers are equal and there is no seniority or moving up - unless you're talking about going from teaching to counseling or being a principal, which involves more school and a master's degree. That aspect about my current job takes away one of my biggest drives when I have a job - pushing to see how good I can get at something and achieving the next goal. For someone like myself who is very task-oriented, teaching can be very frustrating. This is not to say that teaching has not been extremely rewarding to me and that I have gained no personal growth from it. That would be a huge lie! I've learned SO MUCH from my four years teaching. But I don't think I'm cut out to be a teacher long term. I see that now. I will miss the summer breaks and a week off for Thanksgiving and two weeks off for Christmas and another week off for Spring break and all the little days of sprinkled throughout the school year...but I don't think I will miss the job itself. It's just not me. I feel a void right now that is very disconcerting.

The good news is that I have 4 weeks of work left until I go on maternity leave for the rest of this school year. I look forward to it for many reasons. I was supposed to meet with my principal two weeks ago on one of the days we were out due to bad weather to tell him my intentions of resigning after this school year. I've already told my department head as well as our supervisor (one of the assistant principals). It felt really great to get that off my chest and out in the open! The possibilities seem endless right now. I know that for now I won't be able to be a full-time SAHM so I will have to find at least a part-time job until we are financially stable enough for me to quit working completely. But then there's that little question nagging me in the back of my head, asking me: "Do you really think you can handle being a full-time SAHM?" The answer to that is: I truly don't know. If I had to give a definitive answer right this second, based on my feelings, I would have to say No. I could not handle being home all day everyday with my kids. But I serve a much more powerful God than my little feelings. If God truly has plans for me to be home with my kids and become a full-time housewife, then He can change my feelings and my heart and my focus and make me into a housewife extraordinaire...or just a regular housewife who isn't perfect at everything and still struggles with day to day chores. That sounds more like it.

I feel like I'm rambling at this point so I want to stop writing before this gets really out of hand. I guess I just needed to get some thoughts out there into cyberspace for all of you who read my blog to know and pray about for me. This year is going to be a year full of new things for our family. To be honest, the reality of having a second baby simply has not sunk in yet. It hasn't become real to me yet. I have 2 months to mentally prepare and then it's game time. Waylon just started a new job and we don't know if this is THE job for him or if it's another transitional stepping stone job like his last one. Either way, we are so grateful he has one now and that his last job was a preparation for this new one as they are very similar. He also works for a very nice Christian man, which is always a plus!

So if you feel led to, please pray for us as we are coming into a new phase of our lives. I will no longer be the "bread winner" of our family - working full-time and failing at house-wiving. I will take my proper role in our marriage and Waylon will step up to take the reigns on the working front. He has been extremely supportive of me these last two years and has done his part in going to school to finish his degree (although he still has 4 classes left to graduate). I am excited, anxious and just a little petrified of what this year will bring for us. But I know God is in control and He's not going to throw anything at us that we can't handle with His help.

A Day Care Update, and other stuff.

Brooklyn had her first full week at Lil' Lambs Day Care today. She has now spent 2 half days and 7 full days there. I have to say that I am truly amazed at how well she is doing! My little girl is taking great strides in the sleeping and eating department. Before day care, she slept with us (well, "slept" isn't really the right word, it was more like she took naps throughout the night), took sporadic naps and barely ate solids. NOW, she goes to bed promptly at 7pm, without crying when I put her in her crib, she takes a solid, long nap from 12:30 - 3:00pm, and she eats everything in sight! She has become a voracious eater! I can't believe it!

I no longer dread bedtime like I used to and I have a couple hours at night to myself to do things I want and need to do...like write this blog! She has become attached to her sock monkey and will fall asleep hugging him. It's so cute. I had wanted her to find a bear or doll that she could cuddle with and  sleep with and she finally does! She will let me lay her down in her crib, without a peep and hold her monkey in one arm and her bottle with the other hand. Now I just have to figure out how to keep a blanket on her. She tosses and turns so much that she won't keep a blanket on and she always feels clod in the morning. I do put socks on her feet and she sleeps in pants and a shirt but I should probably get her some footed PJs soon. We like to keep the A/C pretty low at nights. Lately I have been super hot in my sleep and I wake up feeling like it's burning up in our room and when I go check the temp it's 73! But, I digress...

I'm very content with our wonderful little day care and am so happy that Brooklyn is doing so well with it. She will go full-time this week and next and after that, she will cut back to two days a week and my parents will keep her on Mondays and Thursdays.  I wanted to get her in for two good weeks to get used to it so that when she cuts to part-time, it won't feel like something new all over again.

On the work front for me, it has been quite a frustrating week. Our school built a new science building an is in a 3 year remodeling process that started last school year. They got quite a bit done over the summer but there is still a ton of construction going on at our campus and it limits where you can get into the building. They also took away a pretty big chunk of our parking spaces at the front of the school, so unless I get there really early and get one of those spaces, I'll be parking in the way back of the school and walking 10 minutes to get to my classroom. I guess the brisk walk in the mornings won't be bad for me as I'm trying to put exercise back into my life and daily routine. (my goal is to work out 4 times a week!) It took me a while to get my room put together. In fact, I was up there today, on a Saturday, finishing it up. I moved rooms this year so I had to bring all my stuff (which was very disorganized in my old room) into my new room. If you know me, I'm just not an organizer/decorator so it took me a while to figure out what to do with my room. I've got it "acceptable" for the first week of school but will be adding things to it as the first few weeks go along. I'm also going to involve my students because they are so creative and have great ideas that I would never think of. I just can't believe that my summer is over and I'm going back to work next week...WITH THE KIDS!! Everything is new and I'm starting everything all over again! At least this year I get to teach a new level of Spanish. I'll be teaching 4 periods of Spanish 1 and 2 periods of Spanish 2. That will break things up a bit and give me some variety, which I need.

I'm still a little disappointed at the things I didn't get done this summer that I wanted to. My house is still pretty cluttered which I planned to fix this summer. I still plan on having a garage sale sometime in the fall when things cool down. I have a bunch of stuff I just need to get rid of so I'm going to have to break down and have one, as dreadful as it sounds to me at this point.

Waylon is doing an amazing job as a GM. He is kicking butt with sales and his team has grown considerably. He still works crazy hours (70-80 hrs a week) but when we pay off our last debt, hopefully in the spring, it's going to have been SO worth it! At that point, I've told him he is free to quit that job, if he wants, and find something a little less taxing. I would also like to look into either working part-time at that point, or, finding a day care to work at where I can take Brooklyn and still get to see her everyday. It's really killing me to go back to work right now and not get to spend these long days with her so I really want to find something where I can remedy that situation. If we still need a full-time income from me, then I'll look into a day care, if not, I'll try to find something more "fun" for myself that I will enjoy rather than what pays the most for the least amount of hours. I really think I would still want to work part-time just to have my "me" time and feel like I'm still bringing in some "bacon" for our family. We are praying about these plans of ours and seeking what God wants for our family though, so next year may be unlike anything I can imagine! I'm very excited and hopeful for the possibilities! Until then, I'm praying to have a great year at school and that it will be a year for trying new things with my students and a very positive year. Having a bad attitude about it will do me no good, so I'm going to try and keep a positive attitude!

I'm working on my next post already. I think you all will get a kick out of it!

Toodles!

Sleep training: an unexpected surprise

This week, on Tuesday, we began full-on, hard core sleep training with Brooklyn. Since we stopped swaddling her at 5 months, she has taken our bed as hers and only occasionally slept in her pack n' play and none in her crib. At first, I didn't mind her sleeping with us. She wasn't rolling over and she was pretty calm. BUT, the older she got, the more she moved in her sleep and the more room she took up. It was getting pretty cramped in our bed with the three of us. So I decided that once I was out for the summer, I would sleep train her, thus avoiding going in to teach 137 teenagers on little-to-no sleep. Good idea!

The plan was to start it the very first week of summer break but that week we had our family reunion and I didn't want my hard work during the week to be undone that weekend when we stayed at the hotel. Then the next week rolled around and I didn't want to do it then either, so now, in the third week of summer break, I have finally gotten the ball rolling on this. The first two nights were torture. We decided to go with the Cry It Out method. She cried for exactly an hour the first night before finally falling asleep. She slept that night from 10:20pm till 2am when we tried to get her to go back to sleep in her crib, without a bottle. I went in there first to try to calm her down and was in there for 5-10 minutes, then I left because I saw she wasn't going to go down without a fight and I didn't feel like fighting. Waylon went back in there and rubbed her back and she got quiet for about 20 minutes but as soon as he would stop, she would freak out so he brought her back to our bed where she slept the rest of the night. Next night was about the same. She cried for a little less an hour and then slept till about the same time and we brought her to bed with us again.

We deviated from this the third night because I was out later and she was already pretty groggy when I got home. So I rocked her in her rocking chair and then laid her in bed and she went right to sleep. Since that night, we've done a little routine where I put on her jammies, give her a bottle and rock her while singing to her. I also have the noise machine on "waterfall" which is the same as white noise on other machines. (Mine's fancy. All the sounds are "nature" sounds. lol) So I sing to her and she has the white noise in the background. I rock her for about 10-15 minutes and sing pretty much the same songs every night. By the end of the 10 minutes, she is usually asleep or almost asleep so I lay her in her crib on her belly or side. She might fuss for a few seconds but has been going right to sleep and staying asleep until about 2-3am. We are very pleased with the progress this far! Just having our bed to ourselves for the first half of the night has been a HUGE improvement. I don't mind snuggling with her the rest of the night. We are hoping that she will eventually start sleeping later though. I do not give her a bottle when she wakes up at that point. I wait until at least 4-5am before giving her a bottle. She usually wakes up around then and wants one. She will actually point to it if I have one on the window sill. It's amazing how much she already knows.

I know that some of you who are great at routines are probably thinking this sounds horrible and that I'm not being strict enough, but for me, this is really doing well and I feel good about it! I do eventually want her sleeping through the night and not coming to our bed. I don't know when this will happen. Brooklyn is not a heavy sleeper and wakes up on her own several times a night. I don't know what else to do to keep her from waking since I'm already not giving her a bottle when she does. I know that if I left her in her own bed and just let her cry in the middle of the night that THAT might help too, but I'm just not ready to be awake for 20 minutes or more in the middle of the night for her to settle down. I can handle bringing her to my bed so I can get a little extra sleep. Call me lazy! lol.

What I have enjoyed about the sleep training is the time I rock her to sleep each night. That's been the unexpected surprise for me. I've really enjoyed snuggling with her and singing to her. I also take that time to pray over her. I always pray for her to have a peaceful night and get lots of sleep and rest and that God watch over her and keep her healthy and that she will be able to live a long happy life. I enjoy that private moment with just Me, Brooklyn and God. I pray out loud so that she hears it too. I also want to get to where I read to her but right now she just tries to eat the book and I get frustrated so I'm waiting to implement that. I want to get a good children's Bible with pictures for that time too.

So there is my journey so far in sleep training. If this post seems a bit discombobulated and broken up, it's because it has taken me 3 days to write it! Yes, I've not had enough time to sit and write it all at once so I'm writing a little at a time! Hope it wasn't too bad!

Summer Week Three

We've hit the third week of summer break now and things seem to be winding down for me. The first two weeks were extremely busy and now I think I'll finally be able to get into some sort of routine.

There are still a few things that aren't working out the way I would like but I know God is in control and will bring these things to a resolution.

For one, our van is still giving us major issues. I'm beginning to regret buying it but my dad keeps reminding me that for the price we got it for, even if we put a couple thousand into it to get it fixed, it would still be a great deal. I will be so happy when the stupid thing is running right. The battery is being drained by an unknown source. We've tried checking the fuses and Waylon and I even looked into our owner's manual and took apart the dash to disconnect the 6 disc CD changer. We did this in the blazing heat of Texas summer (I actually went in halfway through because I had Brooklyn out there and she was getting really hot and sweaty and wanted a bottle) and that still didn't fix the issue. It costs $97 at Honda to run the diagnostic to tell what's wrong. We may have to just break down and take it there and shell out the money to get it fixed. They're going to be the best bet to find what's wrong. We've taken it to Autozone and Sears auto center and neither one has been able to tell us what's wrong and we've paid several diagnostic fees and have no answers! It's so frustrating! Once that's fixed, the next thing will be to get the A/C running. I've driven it a few times now and I'm tellin' you, it's a bummer driving a car with no A/C in Texas! That's a definite must for our car. But until the battery situation is fixed, we're not getting the AC fixed.

I'm still struggling with keeping the house clean. You would think that since I'm home most of the day I would be able to keep up on that but it just seems to not be in the cards for me! I've got to find things to keep Brooklyn more entertained. After her birthday she will have more interactive toys and I think that will make a difference. Right now, we don't have a lot of toys and she gets bored very easily with the few we have. She mainly wants to play with the remotes (the $50 XBox remotes) and my computer, or power cords or the dog food or cabinets. I don't understand the fascination toddlers have with those boring things when they have bright, colorful, noise-making toys they could be playing with! It doesn't make sense! lol.

My exercising goals have yet to come about at all. I haven't done a single thing (except for the rare walk around the block with Brooklyn) for exercise this summer and I've gained a couple of pounds. I'm really frustrated with myself for being lazy and not working out. It doesn't take much of an obstacle to keep me from it. Most mornings I'm exhausted because I didn't sleep well the night before so I don't feel like putting Brooklyn in the jogging stroller and going for a stroll, or even going by myself. Then, in the afternoons when I could go to the rec center, I don't have anyone to watch Brooklyn unless my parents drive all the way over, which I don't want to ask them to do just so I can go get on the elliptical for 40 minutes. I could do my Turbo Jam video in the living room but there's usually toys everywhere or Brooklyn won't stay asleep long enough for me to do the workout. See?? I told you, tons of little obstacles. I think right now my best bet is trying to get the 20 minute Turbo Jam workout in right after putting Brook down for a nap. I'll just have to make myself do it, even if it's at different times of the day. There is no way I'm going back to work in August bigger than when I left!! NO FLIPPING WAY!!!!! So there, I've got it out there and now you guys can pester me and ask me if I've worked out that day or not. Thanks!

Brooklyn is doing new things on a daily basis. Here's what she's up to right now:
- She walks quite a bit. She actually does it more and more each day and chooses to walk more than crawl.
- She's weaning off formula. I'm doing 2 ounces of whole milk with 4 of formula. It doesn't seem to phase her at all.
- She's eating a tiny bit more food than used to. This is still an area of concern for me. She's an extremely picky eater! Her newest thing is only wanting to eat whatever we are eating and it has to be from our plate. If I sit her in her high chair and fix her a bit of what I'm eating and try to give it to her on her tray, she won't eat it. It has to come from my plate or she thinks she's getting something different and will shake her head "no" to it! Little stinker! She's too smart!
- She shakes her head "no" now when you ask her a question and she doesn't want to do/eat whatever you are asking her. She has also started shaking her head "yes" but I don't think she knows what it means yet.
- She just yesterday started saying "uh oh". I think this is influence from her cousin Cooper who is a pro at saying it.
- She "talks" while playing and you can tell she really thinks she's saying something important. It's so cute!
- She has started trying to click her tongue.
- She claps anytime she hears anyone clapping, even if it's on TV. It's hilarious when we're watching a show and they clap on it and she starts clapping and getting excited as if she knows why we are clapping.
- She still wants to crawl around and put every little crumb or speck on the floor in her mouth.
- She LOVES to swim! We took her to the aquatic center in Hurst and she absolutely loved it! When we were in deeper water, she wanted me to let go of her and was trying to squirm out of my grip! I couldn't believe it. She just took off in the shallow, kiddie pool area and wasn't afraid of anything. It was fun watching her. Her swimsuit is cute too. ;)
- She'll point to things she wants now, especially her bottle. She says "bah-boo" which sounds like bottle but I don't think that's what she means b/c she says it constantly and not just when she sees her bottle.
- She will try to imitate you if you open your mouth or make noises with your mouth or raise your hands.
- She can suck out of a straw.

Those are the highlights right now of her development. I have been horrible at putting them in her baby book! I feel so guilty about that and I need to sit down and catch up with it. Thankfully I have Facebook and my blog to look back and remember what she did at what age! Oh technology, how I love you!

I did two caterings last week at Bartley's (where my mom works and where I used to work) and with that money (or knowing it was coming this week), I went shopping on Sunday and finally bought myself some new clothes! It felt so good! I got quite a bit for the money I spent. I got two pairs of comfy shorts, one black and one tan, and a pair of comfy, brown capris. Then I got several summer tops that were really cute. I didn't pay more than $10 on any single item and most of them were around $5-8. I only bought things that I tried on and really liked and knew that I would wear them a lot and they were comfortable. All the shorts and pants I got had elastic waist. Yes, I'm THAT person now. The person who only wears elastic waisted clothes. I don't care. I'm tired of pants squeezing my gut and trying to be comfortable in UN-comfortable clothes. I'm all about comfort now, more than ever, so elastic it is! These are also all clothes that if I lost a few pounds by the time school started, they would still fit me, especially if I wash and dry them and they shrink a little.

I'm feeling more optimistic about the summer. I will get better at this staying at home thing. I've decided to read through the book of John for my quiet time right now. I got an idea for a reading plan from this website that gives a good reading plan for beginners or people who don't know where to start in the Bible. It doesn't give a day by day plan but an order of which books to read. I'll be doing this at my own pace and I'm excited about it!

Now I'm going to go to Walmart with my mom and buy a noise machine for Brooklyn. We have got to get serious about sleep training her and I hear noise machines are a life saver in this area. So off we go!